Fear of Death,Crying, and self analysis

ALL MY LIFE, I HAVE BEEN HIDING FROM ANYTHING TO DO WITH DEATH. FROM BEING AFRAID OF THE WALLPAPER IN MY BEDROOM WHEN I WAS A BABY.....IT WAS A BUNCH OF AIRPLANES HAVING BATTLES IN MIDAIR, WITH FIREPOWER...AND FLAMES.....MY WALLPAPER SCARED ME. I AVAOIDED FUNERALS...AND LUCKILY....NO ONE EVER DIED THAT I NEW UNTIL I WAS AN ADULT...MY GRANDMOTHER FROM MINSK DIED AT 88 OR 89.......I FOUND OUT THAT THE REASON I WAS SO AFRAID OF DEATH....AND FUNERALS WAS I WAS AFRAID TO BEE SEEN CRYING.
YOU SEE, I WAS BROUGHT UP TO BELIVE THAT BIG BOYS DONT CRY..... AND CRYING IN PUBLIC WOULD HAVE BEEN TRAUMATIC FOR ME..SO TRUAMATIC, THAT I ALMSOT DIDNT GO TO MY WON GRANDMOTHERS FUNERAL.
WELL, I DID CRY.....AND MY FATHER CRIED..AND HE WAS A MUCH BIGGER BOY THAN ME...AND IT WAS OK....SO I CRIED IN PUBLIC AND SURVIVED. BUT WHEN WHEN MY FREIND SHERRY DIED SUDDENLY, THE DAY WE WERE TO LEAVE FOR MEXICO......I RAN AWAY.....AT 80 MILES ANHOUR...FOR 4 HOURS.......CRYING, SCREAMING...CURSING GOD........and stayed with freinds....(a shrink) but didn't go to the funeral.....again, couldn't be seen crying. Fast forward.....I creid at my fathers funeral....but when my mother died, i was the man of the family.....so I couldn't break down and cry..so i took a huge amount of tranquilizers. to NOT CRY so my sister and her children wouldn't see me break down.....and then i slept for 6 hours..But I didn't cry....
Which brings me up to today. My Secretary's mother died..and the wake was tonight. The Catholics wake, where the have the body on display for people to say goodbye.......for the first time in my life.....I was able to go..with no hesitation, no apprehension, no fear of emotions or crying....All of the Grannys Attic employees went to show support for her. No fear of seeing a dead body....or fear of how i would act and react to others in her family, So tonight...HAROLD......I finallly grew up!
But if you look back at what i said....i shouldn't be so hard on myself fro being a sensitive person....There really isnt anything wrong with being sensitive....and an ending line in one of my poems...."You are a bigger man with tears in your eyes"