First, instead of me telling jokes, let me admit I stole them all from an email BArbara Comerford sent me......and want to share them with all of you....they are funny...I think the one that really gotme was the one..A man stops a JEWISH WOMAN and tells her "I havent eaten in 3 days" her response "force yourself
It made me laugh out loud....hope you like them..YOu do not have to be JEwish to laugh at JEWISH JOKES, or Eat Kosher HOt DOGS and knishes....
JOKES:
Jewish Comedians and their jokes.
Most of you remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman,
Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others.
Not one single swear word in their comedy.
* I just got back from a pleasure trip.. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton
spelled backward is Not Now.
* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
* Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
* Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.
* Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? They never let anyone finish a sentence!
* What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? Facing Bloomingdale's.
* A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" " Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
* Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner.
* How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
* Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
* What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
* Why are Jewish Men circumcised? Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
OUR NEW GOVENOR..IS A PIG....EVIL, CORRUPT,..... His brother had a MADOFF type scam...they were indited...the other two guys went to jail....but his brother, got off with a verbal slap of the wrist.... He also got certain contracts...and made money....just like Richardson of NEW MEXICO, who was scadalized...and who is a much better man...This HORRIBLE crook, is cutting the money for our childrens education...cuts taxes for his rich friends...I know people who know him and worked for and with him, and they verify how right I am.....
Dr Kevorkian...."DR Death" had a van that was used to assist people in suicide..which I feel is their right. When pain becomes unbearable, and there is no hope of revoery....people whould be able to terminate their suffering...and no government, or relgious institution has the right....morally, to stop it.
This van was put on ebay....but the facists at EBAY soo made them remove it.. I wonder how much it would have brought, and who would have purchased it??
Because of my diet, i havent been posting recipes for many months..but I did cheat and make something new tonight.....The recipe uses Thai style sauce.....and then. goies crazy. Make a peanut sauce with peanut butter, thinned down with vinegar and water....to tase.... then add tobasco, soy sauce, fresh grated or powered garlic, celery seeds, mayonaisse, and thinly chopped green onions(scallions) Should have the consistency of a salad dressing.....then tossing with thin sliced potatoes...
you can add: chopped hard boiled eggs, crispy bacon, (this isnt diet) at all.
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